RULER OF ALL THE EARTH!

Does it really get more epic than this picture? I dare you to find something more epically beautiful and powerful than this. It looks like I'm holding a giant, imaginary bowl of Count Chocula and I'm raising it as an offering to the Ancient Ones. And what is more monumental than doing that? NOTHING.

But if you can find a picture of yourself doing the Grapefruits of Metal and make it more impressive than this, I will absolutely send you a free t-shirt from my band. So send me your pics and make it LEGENDARY!!!

This isn't an official contest or anything, and I'm the judge. But I promise that for a mere $10 American dollar bux, I can probably sway the judges, Marie-Reine Le Gougne style...

Swarm of George!

Not a bad photo for being taken on my crappy iPhone knockoff, huh?

That, my friends, is George. The guitarist, engineer, drum programmer and musical genius behind our band SWARM OF EYES. He's known me for a VERY long time, so when I ask him to pose with the Grapefruits of Metal in the middle of Downtown Boston, he just does it. No arguments. He knows he'd make a powerful enemy otherwise.

I've been playing in bands since 1992, and our bands have played gigs together almost as long. I've joined him on stage to sing with his old bands, and he's been gracious enough to join me as well. So it only made sense that we'd eventually end up making music together.

This labor of love called SWARM OF EYES is nearly complete. Which means that we'll be on stage soon making ENDLESS photos of the Grapefruits of Metal!!!! Go find us on Facebook and become our pal.

Ok, so I've been trying to avoid this, but is anyone else weirded out by the bulge in his jeans (Does anyone say "dungarees" anymore? Which is a strange word for pants. Look up it up, it's an Indian goddess that lives on a hill). I mean, it's not like I was staring, but it's kind of obvious. Maybe it's just that pant folding thing that happens where it looks like there is...something going on. I'm sure that's it.

Otherwise.....bravo my friend. Impressive.

Chief of the Orange Clan...

...or as I call him, Bill.

Yes, he's not making the obligatory hand gesture that is the basis for this blog, but he gets a pass for having to stick with playing that giant, electric violin, or whatever they call it.

What you are witnessing here in this epic photo is your esteemed, acidic blogger joining Bill's band, FADED HALO, on vocals for a couple of tunes. It looked like people there were having WAY too much fun, and we felt like ruining it by having me get up there.

If I recall correctly, I screeched my way through three songs, and all the bouncers in the club couldn't get me off the stage, no matter how hard they tried. Let the people boo, what do they know??

I know I helped butcher "You Shook Me" from Anti-Christ/Devil Child, and "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" from the Dropkick Murphy's. But the other one is escaping me... Maybe "Ring of Fire"? I think that one is about eating Mexican food.

Anyway, I'm glad they humor me and let me get up there and have a bit o' fun with them. It's the best way to keep those blackmail photos well hidden away...

Two things before this mercifully ends. One, I made sure not to edit out that date stamp on the photo. Nothing says "Professional" like a big yellow date over a picture!

And two, BUTTON YOUR SHIRT, BILL.

Grapefruits of Wrath!!!

Ok, so the title doesn't really have anything to do with the photo. But it was too good to pass up using after it was suggested to me by a friend. Am I going to give her credit here? No. Get your own blog, Ms. Glory Stealer.

Also, I've never read the Grapes of Wrath. I don't even know what it's about. What am I a librarian? I seem to get the impression that most kids read this in school as a requirement. I was probably relegated to coloring pictures of grapes in a coloring book while these kids were reading.

On to the photo...Which I was inspired to post by my friend Dawn. She gets a partial credit here because I'm terrified of her.

This, my friends, is Uncle Bob. (By marriage) He rocks out harder than any of the actual rock stars I know. (Do people still call them rock stars? That seems outdated. And yes I know rock stars, I AM a famous internet blogger after all) He plays a mean bass guitar and jams with his band all the time. This cat always has a grin on his face like he knows something we all don't, and I didn't need to prompt him at ALL to throw the devil horns in this photo. He's. just. That. Awesome.

First time I met him was at a cookout we were having at the new house. He showed up with a bunch of that side of the family and the first thing he asked me was, "Where can I plug in my amp?"

What??? No hello, no nice to finally meet you or hey lovely lawn, I bet you spend endless hours taking care of it because it's beautiful. Right to the jam session for Pops.

So he drags in a little amp and a bass, and his nephew comes in with a guitar. And they plug in at my kitchen table and start jamming. It was the funniest thing EVER.

Someone also made the mistake of telling them I was the vocalist in a band. They kept begging me to jam with them, but I had to decline. Those hot dogs aren't going to burn themselves! Besides, I don't think they were warned about what they were getting into asking me to sing...

There is so much win in this photo...

...that I don't even know where to begin.

Yes, your eyes don't deceive you, that's Debbie Gibson and Jordon Knight (from the New Kids on the Block) singing in the background. Awesome, right?

Some background of where I am and who I'm with. That's Dave. We were in the band Motokops 2000 together for almost six years. He moved to San Diego and I was out visiting him and attending the ultra stylish San Diego ComicCon that week. He's also lost something like 170lbs since this was taken. But I'm glad he was fat in this picture, it's just funnier. Skinny people aren't funny.

We decided that we'd head up to Hollywood for the day and check out all the touristy things to do. (Tour of Beverly Hills, see Grauman's Chinese theater, party with Lindsey, etc) It was 110 degrees out and Dave wore a heavy knit polo style shirt, so we had to hunt for a 5X light t-shirt for him the second we got to Hollywood. Amazingly enough we found one almost immediately. I guess they are prepared for the typical tourist.

While visiting Amoeba Records on Sunset (what a dump of a strip) they announced they were giving away two free tickets to a private show for SUGAR RAY. I happened to be standing next to the giveaway and seeing as we had nothing else to do that evening besides drive two hours home, we thought, what the hell. Free show, right? I know, it was SUGAR RAY!! We were that bored.

The show was actually at Paramount Studios, right on the NYC backlot. And it wasn't a show, it was GIGANTIC benefit for preventing AIDS. They had auctions, vodka tastings, a big entrance where the paparazzi were waiting, the NYC Gay Line dancing team and Debbie Gibson. Excuse me, Deborah.

How could we NOT stay for this?? She played ALL her hits, including....that one. And, you know, the other one. What am I, Casey Kasem?

It was a strange crowd. Some people dressed up fancy, some in very casual wear like us, and some people dressed like colorful sprites. Whatever they were dressed like, they didn't take kindly to our brand of East Coast tomfoolery while Deborah played. Amongst the photos of the GoM were also many of me mimicking various ways to kill myself in front of the stage.

Deborah has held up pretty well. Better than Tiffany, anyway. Though I'd have to say that half-shirts are not her friend...

Bringing the evil!!!

This photo is probably the most evil looking one I've ever taken. I love it. My friend Casey had a few overpriced beers in him (He's of the Irish persuasion, if you know what I mean.. *glug, glug*) and he was ready to grasp the power of metal in his meaty paw. GRIM!!!

Though I don't know how evil we could be with Casey's "Life is Good" shirt smack dab in the middle of the photo. Perhaps I should have photoshopped a skull or one of those Ghostbusters symbols over it or something.

I am a little bit jealous of how Casey steals my thunder, though. Ah well, I'll let him have his moment of glory. I'm a famous internet star now, I've got a blog and four followers! Top that, tough guy!!

Mona Lisa Grimace

Boooooo.....hisssss.....that was a terrible title. Why am I own worst critic? Because I care. Care about you, the loyal reader. And I meant that singularly. You, the one reader. So how you doing, man?

I'm posting this because it went along well with my post from this morning outside the Louvre. This took place inside that same day. You can tell because I'm wearing the same terrible scarf I had on in the other photo. I swear I wasn't trying to be stylish or anything, it was just freakin' COLD outside. Imagine that, it's cold in late November in Paris!

It was interesting to see the Mona Lisa, to say the least. It's something every kid has heard about their whole lives whether it be in school, or movies or on TV. But actually GOING in to see it is a bit surreal.

And boring.

It's a much smaller painting than what most people expect. And it's pretty faded. Possibly because someone threw ACID on it like twenty years ago. People are nut cases. Same thing with the Statue of David in Italy that I went to see. You can't go near it or even take a PICTURE of it because some idiot in the 80's decided to attack it with a hammer.

So the painting is small, and it's in a very unimpressive room behind glass that is reflective. You'd think they could have figured out how to fix that by now. I had glasses like 10 years ago that had non-reflective glass. Get with it Paris...

I was also afraid of long queues (that's what they call "lines" in Europe. Aren't I fancy!!) to see the stupid, I mean, historic painting. Everyone had said that you could wait HOURS to see it, and then they rush you right by it. Oh, and they don't allow photos!!!

All of that was a lie. They had me worried I wasn't going to get to see the stup-errr... lovely painting! There was NO line. No one rushed us out. There wasn't even ANY security around. I've NEVER seen a museum this lacking in visible security! And I could take all the photos I wanted. Pretty much the exact opposite of what everyone told me.

More Louvre adventures to come!!!

The most EPIC photo of all time...

What more can I say? This photo just came out perfect. This is how EPIC is done.

If you aren't quite the world traveler that I am, or if you haven't seen that crappy movie The Da Vinci Code, the structure behind me is part of the Musée du Louvre, in Paris. The museum itself is a former palace built in the 12th century, and turned into a museum in the 18th century.

Well in the 1980's, the government decided to renovate the building and hired a CHINESE architect (I.M. Pei was his name. I'm not even kidding) to redesign it. Boy did he pull a fast one. What a way to screw with those uptight, freedom hating, cheese eating, surrender monkeys than to build giant ugly pyramids outside of the most beautiful and elegant museum in the WORLD.

BRILLIANT!!!

What the hell was with the history lesson? Sorry about that. I guess when I said, "What more can I say?" I really meant, "I plan on rambling for a while because I think I'm a smarty-pants."

I think what we really need to focus on is how EPIC this photo is. I'll pause for the smattering of applause......

Ooooook, and we're back. I wasn't sure when to post this photo, as this blog is new and thought I might save it for when I doubled my readership. It's just THAT legendary and ossim. But I looked at the numbers last night and good news! I went from ONE reader to TWO! I DOUBLED my numbers in a matter of days!! I like that kind of progress. Keep passing this blog around people! Post it on Facebook! Tweet about it! Mention it on Myspace before it completely collapses into a steaming pile of crap. What? Oh....too late....

THULSA BOOM!!

That was a Conan The Barbarian reference in the title, for all you uncool people who watch Desperate Housewives or something horrible like that.

Though technically Thulsa Doom was a Kull the Conqueror villian first. I'm just sayin'...

This photo was taken by the zesty Lana Cooper, who you can find out about at http://www.lanacooper.com/.

She was on a mission to capture some metal magic at the Zoo where she lives. Which is apparently some place that worships giant snakes. Could be Arkansas...isn't that where the crazy snake handlers live? Saw a special about them on MSNBC waiting for "Lockup" to come on. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a relative or two.

Lana gets credit for the terrifying look on her face. That's very, very metal. But I'm not sure about that leg pose. She's doing that one leg bent thing like she's posing for an ad in the Sears circular for a pair of slacks.

Now I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing her submission, I REALLY love it and it's ossim. But I want some more FEELING in these photos, people. Really let the energy flow and give it your all. Now get out there and win! Wait, sorry, wrong pep talk.

*Strange tangent alert* Do you think that's fake moss on the statue? Is it some type of effect to make it look old? Because you aren't fooling anyone, not even that kid being kidnapped in the background. "That's not my mommy!"

Bringing the Grapefruits of Metal to Scotland.

Maybe I should have called this post the "Sheep's stomach full of haggis of metal!!"

Yeah, that really would have reeled in the readership.

I actually did eat haggis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haggis) whilst in Scotland. I was attending a wedding and they served chicken breast stuffed with haggis. Everyone was so proud of themselves for eating it and either liking it or not hating it, but I have a feeling we ate the most inoffensive, processed and tame haggis on the planet.

When I think of haggis I think of some grizzled old Scottish woman in the Highlands stuffing all the gross bits of the sheep she killed herself into the stomach and boiling it in a big iron pot over an open flame.

Somehow I doubt that was the origin of the very mild dish we all ate at a very fancy wedding. But hey, I did come away with some bragging rights. "Hey, I ate something gross! Jealous??". I WIN!

Now on to the adorable photo. (I'll wait a moment while you all go, "awwwwwwww"). Ok we're back. This is Master Ross Ian Baillie (pronounced "Baily"), who's Aunt was getting married while we were there. He was the ring bearer for the occasion and as you can imagine, the absolute center of attention.

I just can't believe they made the kid wear a skirt.

What? OHHHHHHH, it's a kilt! That's TOTALLY different than a skirt!! You know...because it's uh.... just different. I guess. My bad.

Quick fun fact (because I'm all about learning), kilts originated in the 16th century. William Wallace lived in the 13th century. They wore kilts in the movie Braveheart. Oops. Nice job on the historical research guys!

Another fact, the Scots think that Braveheart is the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Surprise!

What's up Doc?

Wow, that title was awful. Really? That's ALL I could come up with? Sometimes the title is the hardest part of this process. How can you be funny, eye catching and explain what the post is about in one sentence or less?

This was a lesson in how to do NONE of those things...

I know what you are thinking, "Hey, you got a picture with that Rock guy from wrestling and terrible movies like The rundown!" Well you are wrong. That would have been WAY MORE AWESOME than this photo.

Instead, this is me featured with Doc Coyle, guitarist of the famed metalcore (you have to have sub-genres for everything these days) band, God Forbid. (http://godforbidmusic.ning.com/) The boys were on tour with Kittie and hit the town I live in. FINALLY, a show near me where I didn't have to drive an hour+ to get to! THANK YOU.

The problem was the club, Rocko's, is in the bad part of downtown. Where you feel the need to go and check on your car 15 times during the course of the evening and you can get crack by the pound. Oh, and it had a tiny parking lot that held like seven cars. Other than that, the place was nice. Better than driving an hour to Boston, so I can't complain. But I will, because that's sort of what I do... no one wants to read NICE stuff on the internet.

The show was good, the band played well, and they were all nice enough to take photos with me again, for like the third time in a year. Except for the vocalist Byron. He's fucking scary.

Thanks again to Doc and the boys in the band for being tired and drunk enough to take photos with me.

Elephant Cajones

That's what Sergio Aragones said to me when I asked him to pose with the Grapefruits of Metal at this years Boston ComicCon at the Westin.

I went to the Boston Con to see my friends who had a table to feature their comic book (Healed) and their web series (http://www.lazyhorde.com). I was meeting a friend there and we were going to poke around and check out some comics and see the boys at their booth, no other interest than that. The wait to get in for me was an HOUR. In the freezing cold wind near the waterfront. With no coat on. FOR AN HOUR. I was miserable when I finally got in the door.

Until I saw Mr. Aragones and his booth. He is the artist that drew for MAD magazine all those years, putting all the little doodles in the margins of the pages. He also has done a series called GROO: The Wanderer off and on for about 25 frickin' years. (http://groo.com/)

He's known for his insanely fast drawing, his great sense of humor and his tireless work in the comic industry making sure artists and creators get their due.

So I see him at his booth and I PANIC. I'm like a girl who just met one of the New Kids on the Block (They are still popular with the pre-teens, right?). But I don't have anything to have him sign! I'm unprepared!!! How was I supposed to know he was going to be there...besides reading the list of artists appearing on the Con website.... Anyway, I go up nervously to the booth to at least shake his hand, when I see he has comics for sale, that he will autograph and draw a doodle on! Good news everybody! I snag on of those and also donate to the http://www.cbldf.org/.

Next I decide I'm going to take a photo with him with the camera I remembered to bring. Things are certainly looking up compared to when I got there. That's when I turn on the camera and it's not working. LCD viewfinder is stark white. FUDGE RIPPLE!!!!!!!!

Luckily for me a fine gentleman by the name of John P. Torregrossa, of the ebay store ParaFANalia Toys & Stuff, stepped in and offered to take a few pics and e-mail them to me!! Of course I assumed I would never get them. But I managed to track him down through my vast network of mafia connections and forced him, muzzle to forehead, to give up the goods.

Actually, he just sent them to me on his own tonight. BUT, I would have done that if I had to....he was lucky this time.

Wow this is long. Even for me. To wrap up this blog no one will ever read, my favorite part of the day was when I took this picture and I asked Sergio to "do this" and showed him the now infamous GoM pose, and he said, "What am I holding?"

I said, "The power of all the metal in the universe."

His reply (in his Spanish accent), "No, I hold big cajones. Sergio has big elephant cajones. We are holding them." That's why I'm laughing in the photo because it was just so damn funny I almost lost control and the power of metal was nearly unleashed upon the unwary masses...

CLAW OF DOOOOOM!!!

I'm starting the day by posting a photo of my good friend Karen and her minion of DOOM, Az, paying homage to the Grapefruits of Metal. Or as she referred to it, METALLL CLAAAWWW!!

She mentions that the pic was taken at Mark's Showplace in Bedford, NH. Which is a strip club that also hosted heavy metal shows in an adjoining room. Which is obviously why Karen is smiling so much in the photo. No, really, that's her smile. I'm not even joking. That's one of the happiest photos of her I've ever seen.

What's with Az wearing sunglasses indoors at night though? Are we supposed to think that makes him ultra-cool or something? Well mission accomplished long haired guy with the Wild Bill 'stache, I'm impressed!

I do want to know what show they were attending that evening, and how many boobies they saw. As you can see this blogger is going to work hard to get you the important facts...

Aaron Bloody Aaron...

Now THIS is what I'm talking about, people. Can you see the raw emotion and the power of metal in his eyes? Although his eyes are kind of freaking me out, man...

Aaron Bloody Aaron is a musician/bass player for a band called Harvyst http://www.harvyst.com/ and lives in Kalamazoo. Which is just too funny not to laugh at when you read it out loud.

Kalamazoooooo!!! Now say it again but in that funny Adam Sandler voice when he's acting like a retard. It's even FUNNIER.

Thanks for sending the pic, Aaron. Lets keep this trend alive and everyone send me a photo to feature. Otherwise people are going to get REALLY tired of seeing pictures of me in Denver....

Lady Tangelo of the Myst!!!

And now begins the start of something I was hoping for....people submitting their own photos of epic awesomeness of the acidic variety.

This is Lady Tangelo of the Myst with Joe Buck (solo artist and formerly of Hank Williams III).

As you can see, LTotM is VERY focused on concentrating her grapefruit energies and helping to contain the power of metal within her hand...


Actually...she kinda just looks bored.

Please send me your most best GoM picture for me to post and make fun, er, cherish. Take them with famous people. With hot chicks. With a sandwich in your hand. In famous places or trespassing on national monuments. Just make them fun.

Now I have no idea if my e-mail address is posted or not (what am I some kind of internets genius?) so let me know if you need it!!

ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes, I know zombies are all the rage these days. But these gals were ahead of the game and were bringing their elegant zombiness to the San Diego ComicCon back in 2007.

I wish I could remember what they were pushing at the Con. Maybe a 50's Zombie Roller Derby team or something? If not, I JUST INVENTED THAT AND YOU CAN'T STEAL IT!!!

The Zombette (I just trademarked THAT too, so don't even try it) on the right is REALLY into it. I'm digging her enthusiasm. But the one on the left just sucks. That's so half-hearted why even bother? I might photoshop her out.

This is the second photo I've posted of the SDCC, and there will be many more to come. Because, hey, I have to fill this thing up with SOMETHING. But if you have never gone to this con and you are a comic/videogame/general nerdiness fan, you should try to make it. It's something to behold. From the stars to the people in costume to the sheer volume of things to see and do, it's pretty amazing.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my first photo to NOT feature me in it. And I'm sure some of you find that very hard to believe and that some hacker must have gotten in to my account and done this. But no, it's just humble little old me.

This is my very dear old friend Joe, who plays in a band with my brother called FADED HALO. He is sporting a fancy SWARM OF EYES t-shirt before a gig, and he's giving it his MOST EVILEST look for the GRAPEFRUITS OF METAAAAAAAAL pose!!

Wow, I'm doing a lot of band whoring in this post.

EPIC AND BR00TAL!!

This latest GoM photo was taken in the Garden of the Gods national park on Colorado Springs, CO. There are many GoM pics from that day taken with my good buddies Heather B and Tim C. I'll post more as time goes on. I could probably spend a month just posting those.

But this was my absolute favorite and I had to post this right away. For all of you to see. Which is no one yet. Hmmmm...anti-climactic.

I'm glad that my friends are so understanding....

....or afraid of me. Either way, they play along with me in pictures of such awesomality, and that makes me happy.

Seeing the puzzled look on someone's face when I tell them to strike the pose is priceless to me. Some play along, some can't even do it, some go for the old standby "horns of metal". But sometimes....oh, sometimes I get someone like Barry here, who not only embraced the GoM (grapefruits of metal, duh), but took it to an insane level.

We went to go see the classic thrash band "Deceased" and our friend and co-founder, Mark Adams at the Middle East Club in Cambridge, MA. Everyone was having a fun time playing "Picture Time" and when I busted out the GoM, Barry was willing and able...I think that fucker even showed me up!!

I can't believe I've ventured into the blogging world...

I assume that I'll get tired of this after a while and my posts will go from daily to once a month...until I get bored of it completely and don't update it at all.

Unless I get a MASSIVE following and people are hanging on my every word and photo.... which is about as likely as me drinking the bottle of Purell next to me on my desk.

So the purpose of this blog is to post photos of me or other people in the very obscure pose nicknamed "Grapefruits of Metal". It seems to have originated in the cold northern wilderness of Scandinavia with the very....colorful...black metal bands. Guess it gets boring in Norway. Just picture every photo with the power of metal glowing forth from the outstretched palm...

I think it jazzes up a photograph and it's my way of making a boring posed photo more fun. So over the past few years I've taken to striking the pose with famous people, with friends, in foreign countries, etc.

Did I just type "jazzes"??? I think I'm actually nervous posting a blog. I think I'll just keep reminding myself that no one will be reading it, so I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Anyway, here is the first photo (I think...I'm still figuring this shit out), me with George Romero. He played along nicely, but as the photo is being taken if you look really closely he's saying, "What the FUCK am I doing??". Seriously. I think he wanted to punch me.

Which is AWESOME.