Feel the power held within the grasp of it's spiny digits!!

This photo is ten gallons of awesome in a five pound bag. The fact that it was submitted by a die-hard fan of this blog unsolicited makes it an instant legend.

The photo was submitted by Satan himself, who you might recall from two previous blog entries. His wife insists on calling him Tony, but you know how women are. *twirls finger in circles in the air next to his head*

And this is the first inanimate object to be featured making the Grapefruits of Metal (besides George Romero, he was pretty inanimate...I'm not sure he's even still alive in that photo I took with him). So that's pretty awesome. Maybe I should make a spin-off blog featuring non-human objects making the pose. Then I could have TWO time consuming blogs that no one will read!! Weeeeeeee!!!

So thank you very much for the submission, Satan/Tony. I hope others are inspired by your imagination and follow suit. Get me some pics people!! You could win big prizes* if I choose your submission as the most creative!!






*Naaaah, not really. I just made that up.

There are so many things wrong with this photo...

I don't even know where to begin. Ok, yes I do, the black socks (Wow, I'm such a Red Sox fan that I actually just typed "socks" as "sox" and had to go back and edit it) with the black sneakers. Is that a pair of Easy Spirits?!? WTF?!? I'm just missing the fanny-pack and my decent into tourist hell would complete....

Oh, wait, good news, I just noticed something just as bad!! I have a camera case STRAPPED to my belt!! I know, I know....you thought it was a holster for my six shooter or something. Well my bounty hunter days are long over and my weapon of choice these days is a mid-level priced digital camera with 10x optical zoom. It's deadly....for snapping blurry photos!!

And don't you dig my Trans-Am tank top? I think it was a Hot Topic clearance item I picked up for $5 about 10 years ago. That's no excuse though. The shirt is terribly stupid. But it sure works for this white trash/tourist ensemble!

Let's move on to the epic points of this photo. First and foremost, THE SHARK. Sharks are awesome. I don't care who you are or how cool you think you are, or how well traveled you think you are, the second you see a shark you are like a little kid who just walked into Disney World for the first time. I could watch sharks swim around for hours on end and never be bored. Just admit you would too, and we'll move on.

Another epic point to this photo that wouldn't be obvious to you the reader is that I took this back in 2006. I didn't think I've been doing the Grapefruits of Metal for that long. Wow, four years. I honestly don't know when I really started doing it, but this seems to be the oldest picture I have documenting my complete awesomeness.

This photo was taken at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in Nassau, Bahamas. This place is RIDICULOUS. Look at the link and check out the pictures. They have like four private beaches and about fifty pools. The giant "bridge" between two buildings is actually a penthouse suite. It costs $15k a NIGHT to stay in. They called it the Michael Jackson Suite because....... he used to stay there all the time. See, you thought I was going to write some crass joke about him, didn't you? Well I wanted to, I just couldn't think of anything good. They have TWO aquariums there, one with all the colorful fish...and one for the "predators". (WAIT. I think I just made a joke and didn't even mean too! Let me try it out, "they call that predator tank 'The Michael Jackson Aquarium'." HAR!!)

Oh, and I didn't actually get to STAY at this hotel, I just visited it while I was on a crappy cruise in the Bahamas. For an afternoon I got to see how the rich people vacation. *sigh*

Bermuda Week Revisited: Hotter Than Hell!!!!

I just found one more picture from Bermuda that I forgot to post! I can't believe I left this one out!! How many people get to meet The Dark Lord on the shuffleboard deck of a cruise ship?!?

We hit it off pretty well right away, seeing as we had a lot in common (heavy metal, comic books, I had a sunburn, etc) and before you know it we were BFF's and hitting the beach together. Not surprisingly he likes to snorkel, but he's not a great swimmer! Shhhh!! He'd kill me if he knew I told you that!

The other great thing about hanging with the living embodiment of evil? NEVER waiting for things at the buffet! People part like the Red Sea when you are trying to fight for the Pasta Bar or the Pancake station.

Out of the way Blue hairs! Move your walker and try not to soil your Depends, Beelzebub and I are on the hunt for over priced frozen drinks in collectible cruise line novelty cups!! Wooooooooooo!!!!

Oh, and feel free to go to the link that's in the pic and check out the crazy, wacky adventures of 664: Neighbor of the Beast! It's my very, VERY good friend's web series, and I think you will LOVE IT!!

Make sure to comment here and tell me how it is, because honestly, I've never watched the thing. Looks kinda dumb.

Chronicles of The Satanic Babysitter

Need a night out to dinner with the missus? Want to catch the latest chick flick that your husband is DYING to see with you? But you just can't find any teens in the neighborhood to sit for you because kids these days are all thieving meth heads?

Well we have the perfect solution: Satan.

Sure, he has a bit of a bad rap, but with so many people in America now leaning back to the far right, conservative Christian way of life and trying to send us back to the Dark Ages, things are a bit slow for the Accuser of Job. What, with all the soul saving going on, what's a fallen angel to do?

That's right, watch your children! So contact him now at Lazy Horde and get your spare tire ready for some diet busting Olive Garden food this weekend, the kids are taken care of!

GAAAAHHHH!!!!

The face on my brother, Bill, is scaring the HELL out of me. Seriously, click on the photo to enlarge it and tell me you didn't just mess your pants.


.....


Ok, now that you've had time to hide your shame in a rolled up old towel and stuff it way down deep in the trash, it's time to get down to business. And that business is making fun of my brother. Unfortunately, that business doesn't make me one damn dime. Thanks again for nothing, BILL.

Bill's been featured here before, and it's safe to say I'll continue to make him take these ridiculous photos for my amusement. Dance monkey, dance!! This was taken this past Easter at my mother's house (Isn't her wallpaper very...floral?) He's the complete polar opposite of me in just about every way. I've always been the evil one, and he's been the white hat. But for this photo... he turned to the dark side.

He can't usually pull off playing the bad guy. He loved Han Solo as a kid and Indiana Jones. *cough*stilldressesuplikehim*cough* Where as I loved Darth Vader and that evil little monkey that poisoned the dates. Who couldn't love a villain like that? Awwww...who's a cute widdle monkey assassin?

Here I think some combination of the black shirt, the way his face is lit and a facial expression that says, "You just killed my 24th level Paladin, even though he had a +4 cloak of invincibility, you motherf****r!!!". Yes, he's THAT serious about his Dungeons & Dragons...

Whatever it is, I friggin' love this picture. I think it could be because after all the times I've made him do this pose, he FINALLY made a brutal face. Usually he's smiling or laughing. There's no smiling in the grapefruits of metal!!! This is serious effing business.

Bermuda Week: Part V - The Last Hurrah

This photo makes me sad. That is Boston in the background as the ship pulled up to the pier. I had to take one more Grapefruits of Metal picture before the fabulous vacation was over, and I wanted it to be cathartic.

Actually, I just wanted it to be "cool", but I wanted to make use of my Word A Day calendar and sound smart. I peeked at tomorrow's word already. I don't even know how to pronounce "perspicacious"...

So Bermuda Week has come to a close, and I'm happy to say that I had a fantastic cruise from Boston to Bermuda, and I'd recommend it to everyone. We had a blast, ate too much, and finally played Shuffleboard. And as you can tell, got many great GoM pics. And a sunburn. The sunburn part sucked though.

And in closing I'd like to put the call out again for anyone reading this to send me some great pics of you, or your friends, or even pets, doing the now legendary pose. Send all pics to motokops@gmail.com.

INVISIBLE BEER KEG!!!

That's exactly what my friend Casey is wishing he was carrying in the above photo.

And so I begin Bermuda Week: Part IV. There won't be many more installments though. Not just because it's probably been more than a week (what am I Father Time? I don't know how many days it's been...), but because I don't know how many more Roman Numerals I actually know.

Who even needs them anyway? All they are used for is sequels to movies and copyright dates on movies when they want to sound fancy and not just write "2010" or whatever. I hate trying to read the back of the DVD package trying to figure out what all those letters add up to. Adding letters...crazy talk!! No wonder those Romans are all extinct now!! Next up to go the way of the Dinosaurs, everyone in Hollywood and the movie business!!



And a new first for this blog...a SECOND photo. Please help welcome me to the intricate layout designs of 1999! I'm catching up though...just got some stock in AOL and Napster!

Casey is such a good sport playing along with the Grapefruits of Metal pose I just had to post him twice. I also REALLY need his help if I'm going to finish my basement....so any sucking up I can do would be wise.

Bermuda Week: Part III - "Now it's Personal"

Ben & Mary > EVERYONE

That's right, EVERYONE. Including myself. These GoM virgins, showed me up in Bermuda by striking this EPIC pose for me on the pink sands of Horseshoe Bay. I don't have ONE photo from the trip this majestic. I will hunt them down and make them pay...

If only I remembered to ask their last name. I did a google search for, "ben, mary, bermuda". Nothing. Then I tried "hot, young, russian, teens" and got MUCH better results.

While my faithful adventure sidekick, Casey, and I were exploring the inlets and beaches around Horseshoe Bay, we came across this couple enjoying their honeymoon. They were taking photos of each other and we offered to take some photos of them together with their camera. After acertaining that it was a piece of crap point and shoot Wal-mart special, we opted to actually take the pics and not run off with the barely better than a Polaroid camera.

After we finished the amazing photo shoot, I asked if it would be ok if I snapped a few pics of them in a killer pose. Without hesitation, and I'm not even kidding, they both got into the above pose and said, "You mean like this?"

I was stunned. Either my ego just got a major boost and I'm actually FAMOUS for this now....or more likely, they saw us do the GoM on the rocks about fifty times that morning. Yeah, you are right it's most likely the former.

I had to laugh when Mary said to me, "Are we going to end up on the internet?". Haha, Mary, of course. And you'll be famous in no time! Well, maybe if you were a little hotter...

It's hard to be brutal in powder blue...

...but your fearless and overly tanned blogger always succeeds!!

This is part two of Bermuda Week, and the picture featured today sees me visiting some old fort in Hamilton, Bermuda. "Hamilton" doesn't sound very tropical or "island" like to me. I don't go to a Caribbean island and expect to visit the town of Phil. I want the cities to have crazy names like in Aruba! The capital is Oranjestad. THAT is a wacky, fun name! (It makes you want to pronounce it in a Jamaican accent, even though they don't talk like that at all. But you know when you've been listening to some Bob Marley with your friends you talk like that for days afterward. Just admit it.)

"We are now descending into the airspace above Barbados and we'll be landing in the capital city of Jeff, momentarily." It just sounds wrong.

I'm also concerned that the fort has been turned into some kind of park/botanical garden as well. How am I supposed to run around and play guns or war with my friends if I have to be concerned with stepping on a fern or a palmetto??

Not that I need that big place to play Fort. Just gimme some couch cushions and a few old blankets and I'm ready to go!

So anyway, that picture is pretty awesome, huh? It was pretty tough standing up on that cannon and keeping my balance. I was just like one of those amazing circus, balancing....guys...

Guess who was in Bermuda last week?

That's right, not you!

I've been back for a few days now and to tell the truth, getting on here to write a new blog has been difficult. I'm not sure whether it's just hard to get back into the swing of things... or I'm just too busy sounding like the Norwegian Cruise Line spokesperson to anyone who asks me about my cruise. It was that damn good.

Being the globe-trotting playboy that I am, I chose to go on a cruise to Bermuda out of Boston with 2000 blue-hairs with oxygen tanks for my first trip this year. Between the ping-pong tournament and the shuffleboard there was barely time enough for playing the slot machines in the smoke filled casino!!

This will be "Bermuda Week" here on GoM. It's like Shark Week except waaaaay less informative and interesting. I'll post a bunch of pics from the trip throughout the week, just to remind you of how much better my life is than yours.

The first picture is the most embarrassing, so I wanted to get it out of the way first. Nothing a few push-ups and sit-ups couldn't help me with...but I figure that if I raised up my arms the man-boobs are WAY less obvious.

I was at the lovely Church Bay in Bermuda in this photo, with my astute colleague, Casey, enjoying the frigid water, the stinging Portuguese man 'o war and snorkling in a horrible rip current. I did see some amazing fish though. I saw a blue one. And another blue one. And a few other blue ones. Maybe they were all part of the same school of fish, but what do I look like, Jacque Cousteau?