I always love surprises...

...and this photo coming to my inbox was a wonderful surprise from my cousin Nini. She's a beautiful free spirit who's always off at some Native American (See, I didn't say "Indian", I know the difference between the natives and the guys who eat stinky food and worship cows because I have five thousand of them in the IT dept at work) spiritual journey or rain dance....though I think she just likes hot Natives in loincloths.

She's surrounded here in this photo by her boyfriend, mother and sister whilst on vacation in Maine. I'm not sure they were allowed to stay long though, because I THINK they have all their teeth and don't have sex with each other...and I think that's a requirement up there in "Vacation Land", right?

She's also promised me many more GoM pics in the future! Hopefully they are with her and both her hot sisters. I need more hits here, man. Maybe some beach shots or something? Bubble bath? Get creative girls!!

And NO, that's not weird like those hillbillies in Maine, they are my step-cousins, and that's completely normal. Right?


RIGHT???

Please welcome our first official rock star...

Okay....maybe "rock star" is pushing it. Playing Indian casinos in Pala, CA and Tuscon, AZ to the backs of a crowd of blue-hairs dumping their Social Security checks into the nickel slots while they smoke Virginia Slims next to their oxygen tanks isn't exactly making it big...but who am I to judge?

Oh right, a famous internet celebrity, that's who!! WIN!

The Peep Show monger shown above is Matt. He's the drummer in The Gary Hoey Band. Yeah, I never heard of them either, so don't feel bad about it. I guess Gary is some guitar virtuoso that literally DOZENS of people have heard of apparently. Feel free to check out some of his top hits like....uhh, that song, you know the one...with the guitars and stuff. Anyway, head to Myspace, or as I call the site, "The Sinking Ship", to hear some sweet licks. I'm sure Matt's drums are right up front in the mixes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA!!!

By the way, what's with the porn store? Do people still buy magazines and DVDs and go see peep shows?? Where was this taken, the backwoods of Alabama where the internet hasn't reached yet??

And I want to say thanks for the really crappy cell phone pic, guys. Would it kill you to spend a little of that beer money on an actual, you know, camera? The good news is that I hunted up another photo of Mr. Hunky-Rockstar for you guys. If only to show you that he looks just like the heavy metal version of Bill Pullman:



Right? AMIRIGHT? That's TOTALLY Bill Pullman!!! Hey Lone Starr, watch out for Dark Helmet!! He's behind your drum riser!

That spray painted wall is also awesome...were they playing in my nephew's treehouse? Sounds like the tour is going great guys! Hope to check you out at Applebee's in a week or two!

WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Haha! That's Jeff, and he looks like a big baby. This picture is five or six years old I guess, and Jeff sent it to me because he claims he was striking that metal pose before ME!!!

But, get this, they called it THE GOBLIN CLAW!!!! Seriously, how stupid is THAT?!? You look like you have MS or one of those diseases Jerry Lewis is always droning on about. It's not nice to make fun of special people, JEFF.

And what is his friend doing, besides looking like a whole bag of dumb. Put your tongue back in your mouth you mongoloid. Nice leather jacket with the collar up, Fonzie.

Yes, I sound bitter, but that's because I already know what's going to happen. These punk kids are going to try and swoop in with their fancy, ambulance chasing, lawyers and try to steal my fame and fortune from me. Well it's not going to happen! If you want my grapefruits of metal you'll have to pry them from my cold dead hands. I live in 'merica pal, and we have a little something here called rights.

Also, Jeff is the bass player in my band, SWARM OF EYES, and he's pretty cool. Just watch yourself, guy...