Johnny Metro!!

I don't know what's going on here exactly, but I assume it involved waaaaay too much imbibing of spirits. Shocking.

This is my next door neighbor, Johnny Metro, and apparently he's doing some type of Cruella DeVille meets Cyrano De Bergerac thing here...I think? Probably the strangest photo ever submitted to me, but I will give the guy credit for making the effort.

Speaking of effort....would it kill him to rake his leaves? Or maybe put down some weed killer on his lawn? Perhaps even mow it once in a while? I understand that it's hard to keep up with my spectacular landscaping...but c'mon, it's like he just gave up. Is my lush green grass that intimidating???

You bet it is, muchacho!!!

Does it really get any better than this?

I think not. Seriously, click on the photo and get the larger version of it and stand in envy of how thoroughly brutal we are. I'll wait.

I've been saving this photo for some undetermined reason, like I was saving it for a special occasion and just wasn't ready to put it up yet. But I've come to realize that saving stuff for birthdays and special occasions is useless and doesn't actually make it any more special when it happens.

I think you know what I mean, ladies.

If it isn't obvious from the photo, this was taken after the last "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers" gig we did at the local VFW, and this is the whole band. A cappella is our game, and we are the best quintet in town, I tells ya.

Ok, ok, fine...this is my Ultimate Brutal Wedding Party. A crew of finer mugs has never had eyes laid upon it.

From left to right we start with my brother Larry, sporting the chin beard and VERY dramatic expression. He's also about seven feet tall. I don't really have a joke about that, he just takes after my mother's side of the family and they are all giants. I take after my dad, and we are all the same height, have the same spindly legs and arms with no definition and matching guts. Gee, thanks Dad!

Next down the line is my brother Bill, looking as smarmy as ever with that shit eating grin on his face. What a weird expression. Do people really smile like that after they eat shit? I assume that's something only Germans do anyway, and I've never seen a German smile, so this all seems suspect to me. Bill was my best man, and his one job was to make sure my tie was straight. The duties of a best man never end!

After me in the middle is one of my best friends, Casey. If you met him you'd swear he was a laid back surfer from SoCal that was always quick with a big smile and to share his stash. But he's actually from the hillbilly mountains in VT. And he grew up in a log cabin. Seriously. I've visited it. You just sit there WAITING for the banjo to start... And look at those bear paws he has in place of hands. Jesus, the guy is a beast, I love him!

Last in line on the far right is my best friend of 22 years, Dana. He's rocking the Transition Lenses in his glasses and looking as cool as ever. I'm sure I didn't need to point out that the last sentence was sarcasm, but hell, it can't hurt. I never said I had smart readers...just beautiful ones. Luckily what you CAN'T see in this photo is the blood all over his shirt collar. Someone forgot to shave when he was getting ready at my house and decided it would be a good idea to do it right before the wedding started. With a crappy old disposable razor. With his suit on. It looked like a crime scene when he was done. I swear he does this stuff to me on purpose, but I still love the big lug.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of guys to lead me to the guillotine. I meant alter.

They call him Roach.

I call him Chewbacca. Some call him a legend in local music. Those people have all been rounded up and put in detox.

And yes, he's not actually throwing the grapefruits, but I am, and it's so brutal that I make up for the fact that people can't FUCKING FOLLOW DIRECTIONS when you are taking a photo.

Roach and I go way back, as he used to play bass in two local bands, Vertical Smile and Austen's Dead. They played a lot of shows with my old band, "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers", back in the day. All long gone now, but out of his two bands arose a new band....a phoenix from the ashes, if you will. They were called, Ratchaburi!!!

Yeah, stupid name, I know, but they were actually pretty good. They were full of potential and promise, only they crashed like a fiery phoenix, plummeting to earth in a massive, horrible explosion. (note: read that thinking that I'm talking in the voice of the guy from VH1: Behind the Music). And Roach wasn't actually IN that band, so that is a bit anti-climactic, I know.

In this photo with the very handsome and stoned Roach, we were attending a reunion show for Ratchaburi, and at the end of the night they invited him on stage to bang out a couple of classics from the old days. God knows they were so rusty and full of suck that they needed ANYTHING to distract the audience. I'm just kidding, no one in the audience was paying attention.

Hey look! A VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!