RULER OF ALL THE EARTH!

Does it really get more epic than this picture? I dare you to find something more epically beautiful and powerful than this. It looks like I'm holding a giant, imaginary bowl of Count Chocula and I'm raising it as an offering to the Ancient Ones. And what is more monumental than doing that? NOTHING.

But if you can find a picture of yourself doing the Grapefruits of Metal and make it more impressive than this, I will absolutely send you a free t-shirt from my band. So send me your pics and make it LEGENDARY!!!

This isn't an official contest or anything, and I'm the judge. But I promise that for a mere $10 American dollar bux, I can probably sway the judges, Marie-Reine Le Gougne style...

Swarm of George!

Not a bad photo for being taken on my crappy iPhone knockoff, huh?

That, my friends, is George. The guitarist, engineer, drum programmer and musical genius behind our band SWARM OF EYES. He's known me for a VERY long time, so when I ask him to pose with the Grapefruits of Metal in the middle of Downtown Boston, he just does it. No arguments. He knows he'd make a powerful enemy otherwise.

I've been playing in bands since 1992, and our bands have played gigs together almost as long. I've joined him on stage to sing with his old bands, and he's been gracious enough to join me as well. So it only made sense that we'd eventually end up making music together.

This labor of love called SWARM OF EYES is nearly complete. Which means that we'll be on stage soon making ENDLESS photos of the Grapefruits of Metal!!!! Go find us on Facebook and become our pal.

Ok, so I've been trying to avoid this, but is anyone else weirded out by the bulge in his jeans (Does anyone say "dungarees" anymore? Which is a strange word for pants. Look up it up, it's an Indian goddess that lives on a hill). I mean, it's not like I was staring, but it's kind of obvious. Maybe it's just that pant folding thing that happens where it looks like there is...something going on. I'm sure that's it.

Otherwise.....bravo my friend. Impressive.

Chief of the Orange Clan...

...or as I call him, Bill.

Yes, he's not making the obligatory hand gesture that is the basis for this blog, but he gets a pass for having to stick with playing that giant, electric violin, or whatever they call it.

What you are witnessing here in this epic photo is your esteemed, acidic blogger joining Bill's band, FADED HALO, on vocals for a couple of tunes. It looked like people there were having WAY too much fun, and we felt like ruining it by having me get up there.

If I recall correctly, I screeched my way through three songs, and all the bouncers in the club couldn't get me off the stage, no matter how hard they tried. Let the people boo, what do they know??

I know I helped butcher "You Shook Me" from Anti-Christ/Devil Child, and "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" from the Dropkick Murphy's. But the other one is escaping me... Maybe "Ring of Fire"? I think that one is about eating Mexican food.

Anyway, I'm glad they humor me and let me get up there and have a bit o' fun with them. It's the best way to keep those blackmail photos well hidden away...

Two things before this mercifully ends. One, I made sure not to edit out that date stamp on the photo. Nothing says "Professional" like a big yellow date over a picture!

And two, BUTTON YOUR SHIRT, BILL.

Grapefruits of Wrath!!!

Ok, so the title doesn't really have anything to do with the photo. But it was too good to pass up using after it was suggested to me by a friend. Am I going to give her credit here? No. Get your own blog, Ms. Glory Stealer.

Also, I've never read the Grapes of Wrath. I don't even know what it's about. What am I a librarian? I seem to get the impression that most kids read this in school as a requirement. I was probably relegated to coloring pictures of grapes in a coloring book while these kids were reading.

On to the photo...Which I was inspired to post by my friend Dawn. She gets a partial credit here because I'm terrified of her.

This, my friends, is Uncle Bob. (By marriage) He rocks out harder than any of the actual rock stars I know. (Do people still call them rock stars? That seems outdated. And yes I know rock stars, I AM a famous internet blogger after all) He plays a mean bass guitar and jams with his band all the time. This cat always has a grin on his face like he knows something we all don't, and I didn't need to prompt him at ALL to throw the devil horns in this photo. He's. just. That. Awesome.

First time I met him was at a cookout we were having at the new house. He showed up with a bunch of that side of the family and the first thing he asked me was, "Where can I plug in my amp?"

What??? No hello, no nice to finally meet you or hey lovely lawn, I bet you spend endless hours taking care of it because it's beautiful. Right to the jam session for Pops.

So he drags in a little amp and a bass, and his nephew comes in with a guitar. And they plug in at my kitchen table and start jamming. It was the funniest thing EVER.

Someone also made the mistake of telling them I was the vocalist in a band. They kept begging me to jam with them, but I had to decline. Those hot dogs aren't going to burn themselves! Besides, I don't think they were warned about what they were getting into asking me to sing...

There is so much win in this photo...

...that I don't even know where to begin.

Yes, your eyes don't deceive you, that's Debbie Gibson and Jordon Knight (from the New Kids on the Block) singing in the background. Awesome, right?

Some background of where I am and who I'm with. That's Dave. We were in the band Motokops 2000 together for almost six years. He moved to San Diego and I was out visiting him and attending the ultra stylish San Diego ComicCon that week. He's also lost something like 170lbs since this was taken. But I'm glad he was fat in this picture, it's just funnier. Skinny people aren't funny.

We decided that we'd head up to Hollywood for the day and check out all the touristy things to do. (Tour of Beverly Hills, see Grauman's Chinese theater, party with Lindsey, etc) It was 110 degrees out and Dave wore a heavy knit polo style shirt, so we had to hunt for a 5X light t-shirt for him the second we got to Hollywood. Amazingly enough we found one almost immediately. I guess they are prepared for the typical tourist.

While visiting Amoeba Records on Sunset (what a dump of a strip) they announced they were giving away two free tickets to a private show for SUGAR RAY. I happened to be standing next to the giveaway and seeing as we had nothing else to do that evening besides drive two hours home, we thought, what the hell. Free show, right? I know, it was SUGAR RAY!! We were that bored.

The show was actually at Paramount Studios, right on the NYC backlot. And it wasn't a show, it was GIGANTIC benefit for preventing AIDS. They had auctions, vodka tastings, a big entrance where the paparazzi were waiting, the NYC Gay Line dancing team and Debbie Gibson. Excuse me, Deborah.

How could we NOT stay for this?? She played ALL her hits, including....that one. And, you know, the other one. What am I, Casey Kasem?

It was a strange crowd. Some people dressed up fancy, some in very casual wear like us, and some people dressed like colorful sprites. Whatever they were dressed like, they didn't take kindly to our brand of East Coast tomfoolery while Deborah played. Amongst the photos of the GoM were also many of me mimicking various ways to kill myself in front of the stage.

Deborah has held up pretty well. Better than Tiffany, anyway. Though I'd have to say that half-shirts are not her friend...

Bringing the evil!!!

This photo is probably the most evil looking one I've ever taken. I love it. My friend Casey had a few overpriced beers in him (He's of the Irish persuasion, if you know what I mean.. *glug, glug*) and he was ready to grasp the power of metal in his meaty paw. GRIM!!!

Though I don't know how evil we could be with Casey's "Life is Good" shirt smack dab in the middle of the photo. Perhaps I should have photoshopped a skull or one of those Ghostbusters symbols over it or something.

I am a little bit jealous of how Casey steals my thunder, though. Ah well, I'll let him have his moment of glory. I'm a famous internet star now, I've got a blog and four followers! Top that, tough guy!!

Mona Lisa Grimace

Boooooo.....hisssss.....that was a terrible title. Why am I own worst critic? Because I care. Care about you, the loyal reader. And I meant that singularly. You, the one reader. So how you doing, man?

I'm posting this because it went along well with my post from this morning outside the Louvre. This took place inside that same day. You can tell because I'm wearing the same terrible scarf I had on in the other photo. I swear I wasn't trying to be stylish or anything, it was just freakin' COLD outside. Imagine that, it's cold in late November in Paris!

It was interesting to see the Mona Lisa, to say the least. It's something every kid has heard about their whole lives whether it be in school, or movies or on TV. But actually GOING in to see it is a bit surreal.

And boring.

It's a much smaller painting than what most people expect. And it's pretty faded. Possibly because someone threw ACID on it like twenty years ago. People are nut cases. Same thing with the Statue of David in Italy that I went to see. You can't go near it or even take a PICTURE of it because some idiot in the 80's decided to attack it with a hammer.

So the painting is small, and it's in a very unimpressive room behind glass that is reflective. You'd think they could have figured out how to fix that by now. I had glasses like 10 years ago that had non-reflective glass. Get with it Paris...

I was also afraid of long queues (that's what they call "lines" in Europe. Aren't I fancy!!) to see the stupid, I mean, historic painting. Everyone had said that you could wait HOURS to see it, and then they rush you right by it. Oh, and they don't allow photos!!!

All of that was a lie. They had me worried I wasn't going to get to see the stup-errr... lovely painting! There was NO line. No one rushed us out. There wasn't even ANY security around. I've NEVER seen a museum this lacking in visible security! And I could take all the photos I wanted. Pretty much the exact opposite of what everyone told me.

More Louvre adventures to come!!!