I always love surprises...

...and this photo coming to my inbox was a wonderful surprise from my cousin Nini. She's a beautiful free spirit who's always off at some Native American (See, I didn't say "Indian", I know the difference between the natives and the guys who eat stinky food and worship cows because I have five thousand of them in the IT dept at work) spiritual journey or rain dance....though I think she just likes hot Natives in loincloths.

She's surrounded here in this photo by her boyfriend, mother and sister whilst on vacation in Maine. I'm not sure they were allowed to stay long though, because I THINK they have all their teeth and don't have sex with each other...and I think that's a requirement up there in "Vacation Land", right?

She's also promised me many more GoM pics in the future! Hopefully they are with her and both her hot sisters. I need more hits here, man. Maybe some beach shots or something? Bubble bath? Get creative girls!!

And NO, that's not weird like those hillbillies in Maine, they are my step-cousins, and that's completely normal. Right?


RIGHT???

Please welcome our first official rock star...

Okay....maybe "rock star" is pushing it. Playing Indian casinos in Pala, CA and Tuscon, AZ to the backs of a crowd of blue-hairs dumping their Social Security checks into the nickel slots while they smoke Virginia Slims next to their oxygen tanks isn't exactly making it big...but who am I to judge?

Oh right, a famous internet celebrity, that's who!! WIN!

The Peep Show monger shown above is Matt. He's the drummer in The Gary Hoey Band. Yeah, I never heard of them either, so don't feel bad about it. I guess Gary is some guitar virtuoso that literally DOZENS of people have heard of apparently. Feel free to check out some of his top hits like....uhh, that song, you know the one...with the guitars and stuff. Anyway, head to Myspace, or as I call the site, "The Sinking Ship", to hear some sweet licks. I'm sure Matt's drums are right up front in the mixes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA!!!

By the way, what's with the porn store? Do people still buy magazines and DVDs and go see peep shows?? Where was this taken, the backwoods of Alabama where the internet hasn't reached yet??

And I want to say thanks for the really crappy cell phone pic, guys. Would it kill you to spend a little of that beer money on an actual, you know, camera? The good news is that I hunted up another photo of Mr. Hunky-Rockstar for you guys. If only to show you that he looks just like the heavy metal version of Bill Pullman:



Right? AMIRIGHT? That's TOTALLY Bill Pullman!!! Hey Lone Starr, watch out for Dark Helmet!! He's behind your drum riser!

That spray painted wall is also awesome...were they playing in my nephew's treehouse? Sounds like the tour is going great guys! Hope to check you out at Applebee's in a week or two!

WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Haha! That's Jeff, and he looks like a big baby. This picture is five or six years old I guess, and Jeff sent it to me because he claims he was striking that metal pose before ME!!!

But, get this, they called it THE GOBLIN CLAW!!!! Seriously, how stupid is THAT?!? You look like you have MS or one of those diseases Jerry Lewis is always droning on about. It's not nice to make fun of special people, JEFF.

And what is his friend doing, besides looking like a whole bag of dumb. Put your tongue back in your mouth you mongoloid. Nice leather jacket with the collar up, Fonzie.

Yes, I sound bitter, but that's because I already know what's going to happen. These punk kids are going to try and swoop in with their fancy, ambulance chasing, lawyers and try to steal my fame and fortune from me. Well it's not going to happen! If you want my grapefruits of metal you'll have to pry them from my cold dead hands. I live in 'merica pal, and we have a little something here called rights.

Also, Jeff is the bass player in my band, SWARM OF EYES, and he's pretty cool. Just watch yourself, guy...

Emma: The Spawn of Dawn

I have to say right up front that I love my family. My crazy, wacky, insane family. And I miss my family. I'm sorry that I don't even know some of my family members because I never get to see them. At some point we all grew up; some had families, some went down dark paths best unspoken, and some just moved far away. Some became rock stars and famous internet celebrities and don't fraternize with the filthy common man, even if we are related.

This is Emma. My cousin Dawn's baby girl, who I don't think I've ever even met. Isn't that sad? She looks exactly like Dawn as well. Only smaller. Like if you shrunk Dawn down with a shrink ray like Dr. Shrinker from Sid & Marty Kroft Superstars show from the 70's. Wouldn't that be awesome to have that shrink ray?

Wait, no....it would be better to have a ray beam that makes things BIGGER. Not for me personally....but to help out other guys who need it. God in hell....please let them invent this. You know, for other people...

Back to the photo. I'd say dear sweet Emma has a pretty brutal face for the Grapefruits of Metal pose. But seriously, yachts and Silly Bands in the photo, along with a picturesque ocean setting??? You better have been signing this kid of for Pirate School or something, Dawn!!!! Probably down in fancy Newport, RI shopping for 30' schooners or something. You know how the hoity-toity live. *pushes nose up to denote snob face*

I wonder if Emma even knows why she was taking this photo? How did Dawn even explain this? "Okay, Emma, stand still with an angry face and pretend you are holding sacks of money to buy a new mansion because our old mansion isn't big enough any more. We are taking this for your cousin who you've never met so he can put it on the internet and make fun of it. No....don't cry, honey....STOP CRYING! They will throw us out of the yacht club!!!"

So thank you to Dawn and Emma, and Dawn's husband Larry or something or other...and to the two or three other kids they have. It's good to have close family *hugs*

He comes from the land of the ice and snow...

I made that Led Zepplin reference in the title because I just assumed that the victim, errr... person featured in this blarg entry would hate it. He hates everything and everyone. He hates getting caught in the rain and even pina coladas. He hates you. I'm pretty sure he hates The Grapefruits of Metal as well, and this is some sick way of mocking me.

And that's why I love him. Not in a "Hey, it all feels the same in the dark" kind of way, but in the you just can't help loving someone so misanthropic because it's so adorable way. I'm even hoping he hates this whole post. I'll feel like I made his life a little happier with something new to hate.

For the record, this is Derrik. He's a phenomenal guitar player (which he'll deny, and he could be right. What do I know? He could be terrible. I just know I'm super impressed when he is fooling around when he's bored and starts twiddling out the theme song to Sanford & Son or something), to which I've had the pleasure of being in two bands with, Motokops 2000, and currently Swarm of Eyes.

What? That plug wasn't subtle? Shutyourface, I can do anything I want here. Now go find the band on Facebook and like us because we are so friendly and likable.

We now pronounce you......METAL!!!

Hi. I'm Karen and I'm an alco... Oh sorry, I thought it was Tuesday. Lemme try that again...

Hi. I'm Karen and I'm a friend of Randy's. Oh yeah?! You know him, too?! Well boy, do I feel bad for us!

Annnnyyyway, he is being a lazy boy this week and demanded I write his blog for him. That's right! DEMANDED! Can you believe that? He was all, "Karen! Write my blog!" and I was all, "Pssssshhh!" and he was all, "Woman! Don't make me go over there!" and I was all "Sistah, please!" and he was all, "If you don't, I will not make you anymore banana bread."

And that's what it took, folks. The witholding of banana bread.

Well, it's true and if he tells you any differently you won't believe him since you said you know him.

So in some circles I do this thing. It's called photography. Maybe you've heard of it? No? Okay, I basically steal people's souls for cheap money. My friends all tell me I should charge more, but I like the nightlife. I like to boogie.

But annnnyyyyway. If it pleases the court, may I present Tony & Julie's wedded bliss moment? Because your photog/ghostwriter had the forethought and quite frankly the lucidity, it also comes topped with Grapefruit. Yeah, you can thank me later.

So, there they are. The happy, new couple. Holding Grapefruits of Metal. You may now headbang the bride.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I want to thank Karen for taking on the monumental task of writing this blog entry for me. I hope she learned a lesson on just how much work it is and she appreciates me a bit more now. I also hope she doesn't expect to get paid for this.)

Invisible Grapefruits

This is Dave again. He was the fat guy in the yellow t-shirt from a few blogs back that was at the Debbie Gibson show with me. If that sounds strange to you, don't worry, it never sits right with me either when I think about it.

And if you recall, I mentioned that he's lost over 170lbs since that old photo was taken. But I also made sure to note that fat people are MUCH funnier than skinny people. I'm not sure why it happens, but this is living proof. Dave is hysterically funny looking in the other picture. But he loses the equivalent of my entire body weight (shut your smelly mouth, it's close enough) and suddenly he looks just plain goofy and a bit ridiculous. He sent three photos to me, and honestly this was the BEST one. Yikes.

Is he taking an Invisible Dump here? Is he holding a giant invisible turd? And what is with the smile? There is NO SMILING with the Grapefruits of metal!! The little booger-eating goblin in the last blog entry gets it. Fannie Spankings gets it. Why can't Dave?? I guess we'll never know...because he fell off that plateau and died minutes later.

Just kidding. But I can dream can't I?

Before I put this blog entry out of it's misery, I will give Dave a little credit. I completely forgot that we called the Grapefruits of Metal pose "Invisible Grapefruits" for YEARS before I made this blog and called it GoM. I don't remember when it morphed into the new title, but it was a nice stroll down memory lane hearing that again. Until Memory Ln. crosses Blue Hill Ave....then things got a bit dicey. NOT a good neighborhood to be in after dark if you are a handsome internet star. I just hustled out of there as fast as I could and didn't make any eye contact with the thugs on the front stoop.

Anyway, I'll delve more into the history of GOM in a future blog and explain it's origins. People do ask me that a lot. Ok, it was really just one guy, and he accused me of stealing the idea from him. But he learned his lesson. And no smart mouth judge or his fancy restraining order will stop me next time either.