They call him Roach.

I call him Chewbacca. Some call him a legend in local music. Those people have all been rounded up and put in detox.

And yes, he's not actually throwing the grapefruits, but I am, and it's so brutal that I make up for the fact that people can't FUCKING FOLLOW DIRECTIONS when you are taking a photo.

Roach and I go way back, as he used to play bass in two local bands, Vertical Smile and Austen's Dead. They played a lot of shows with my old band, "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers", back in the day. All long gone now, but out of his two bands arose a new band....a phoenix from the ashes, if you will. They were called, Ratchaburi!!!

Yeah, stupid name, I know, but they were actually pretty good. They were full of potential and promise, only they crashed like a fiery phoenix, plummeting to earth in a massive, horrible explosion. (note: read that thinking that I'm talking in the voice of the guy from VH1: Behind the Music). And Roach wasn't actually IN that band, so that is a bit anti-climactic, I know.

In this photo with the very handsome and stoned Roach, we were attending a reunion show for Ratchaburi, and at the end of the night they invited him on stage to bang out a couple of classics from the old days. God knows they were so rusty and full of suck that they needed ANYTHING to distract the audience. I'm just kidding, no one in the audience was paying attention.

Hey look! A VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Derrik - America's favorite misanthrope.

Once again we visit the strange and cynical world of my friend and guitarist, Derrik. We've known each other through a mutual friend for 12 years, and he was in my last band and is in my current band.

And I STILL have no idea where he was when he took these. On a vacation? At a militia camp? A spiritual retreat? I don't have a clue. The kid is practically a mute. And I'm pretty sure he's making fun of me by sending me these. Some kind of inside joke that only he gets and snickers to himself when he thinks he's so damn clever.

Well buddy, I'll fix your wagon!!!!

No seriously, if your wagon is broken call me and we'll set up an appointment and I can look at it and give you an estimate. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a good wagon wheel repair shop these days.

Anyway, he found some Injun statue doing the GoM. That's pretty cool. I guess we owed them savages something after all that murdering and pillaging we did. Well, not ME, but other white people. I swear officer, I was just waiting in the car. I didn't even know what the settlers were going to do.

Pretty sweet deal getting a statue and some professional sports teams named after you for reparation. Plus it seems quite hip these day to be part Injun. I swear when the subject of ethnicity comes up it NEVER FAILS that one jerk has to make the comment that they are part Injun, like they are bragging. "I just happen to be 1/100th Cherokee you know." Yeah, and you're also 99/100ths total moron. If the natives got a nickel every time some douche bag made a remark like that they would never, ever run out of fire water again.




And this is a bonus photo of Derrik in the deep wilderness. He certainly looks like he's ready for a hike. Earthy-crunchy boots. Check. Drab clothing to blend into the brush so the search party never finds your body. Check. Backpack for water, sandwiches and existential books about God being an illusion and how humanity is so self-destructive. CHECK.

I always love surprises...

...and this photo coming to my inbox was a wonderful surprise from my cousin Nini. She's a beautiful free spirit who's always off at some Native American (See, I didn't say "Indian", I know the difference between the natives and the guys who eat stinky food and worship cows because I have five thousand of them in the IT dept at work) spiritual journey or rain dance....though I think she just likes hot Natives in loincloths.

She's surrounded here in this photo by her boyfriend, mother and sister whilst on vacation in Maine. I'm not sure they were allowed to stay long though, because I THINK they have all their teeth and don't have sex with each other...and I think that's a requirement up there in "Vacation Land", right?

She's also promised me many more GoM pics in the future! Hopefully they are with her and both her hot sisters. I need more hits here, man. Maybe some beach shots or something? Bubble bath? Get creative girls!!

And NO, that's not weird like those hillbillies in Maine, they are my step-cousins, and that's completely normal. Right?


RIGHT???

Please welcome our first official rock star...

Okay....maybe "rock star" is pushing it. Playing Indian casinos in Pala, CA and Tuscon, AZ to the backs of a crowd of blue-hairs dumping their Social Security checks into the nickel slots while they smoke Virginia Slims next to their oxygen tanks isn't exactly making it big...but who am I to judge?

Oh right, a famous internet celebrity, that's who!! WIN!

The Peep Show monger shown above is Matt. He's the drummer in The Gary Hoey Band. Yeah, I never heard of them either, so don't feel bad about it. I guess Gary is some guitar virtuoso that literally DOZENS of people have heard of apparently. Feel free to check out some of his top hits like....uhh, that song, you know the one...with the guitars and stuff. Anyway, head to Myspace, or as I call the site, "The Sinking Ship", to hear some sweet licks. I'm sure Matt's drums are right up front in the mixes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA!!!

By the way, what's with the porn store? Do people still buy magazines and DVDs and go see peep shows?? Where was this taken, the backwoods of Alabama where the internet hasn't reached yet??

And I want to say thanks for the really crappy cell phone pic, guys. Would it kill you to spend a little of that beer money on an actual, you know, camera? The good news is that I hunted up another photo of Mr. Hunky-Rockstar for you guys. If only to show you that he looks just like the heavy metal version of Bill Pullman:



Right? AMIRIGHT? That's TOTALLY Bill Pullman!!! Hey Lone Starr, watch out for Dark Helmet!! He's behind your drum riser!

That spray painted wall is also awesome...were they playing in my nephew's treehouse? Sounds like the tour is going great guys! Hope to check you out at Applebee's in a week or two!

WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Haha! That's Jeff, and he looks like a big baby. This picture is five or six years old I guess, and Jeff sent it to me because he claims he was striking that metal pose before ME!!!

But, get this, they called it THE GOBLIN CLAW!!!! Seriously, how stupid is THAT?!? You look like you have MS or one of those diseases Jerry Lewis is always droning on about. It's not nice to make fun of special people, JEFF.

And what is his friend doing, besides looking like a whole bag of dumb. Put your tongue back in your mouth you mongoloid. Nice leather jacket with the collar up, Fonzie.

Yes, I sound bitter, but that's because I already know what's going to happen. These punk kids are going to try and swoop in with their fancy, ambulance chasing, lawyers and try to steal my fame and fortune from me. Well it's not going to happen! If you want my grapefruits of metal you'll have to pry them from my cold dead hands. I live in 'merica pal, and we have a little something here called rights.

Also, Jeff is the bass player in my band, SWARM OF EYES, and he's pretty cool. Just watch yourself, guy...

Emma: The Spawn of Dawn

I have to say right up front that I love my family. My crazy, wacky, insane family. And I miss my family. I'm sorry that I don't even know some of my family members because I never get to see them. At some point we all grew up; some had families, some went down dark paths best unspoken, and some just moved far away. Some became rock stars and famous internet celebrities and don't fraternize with the filthy common man, even if we are related.

This is Emma. My cousin Dawn's baby girl, who I don't think I've ever even met. Isn't that sad? She looks exactly like Dawn as well. Only smaller. Like if you shrunk Dawn down with a shrink ray like Dr. Shrinker from Sid & Marty Kroft Superstars show from the 70's. Wouldn't that be awesome to have that shrink ray?

Wait, no....it would be better to have a ray beam that makes things BIGGER. Not for me personally....but to help out other guys who need it. God in hell....please let them invent this. You know, for other people...

Back to the photo. I'd say dear sweet Emma has a pretty brutal face for the Grapefruits of Metal pose. But seriously, yachts and Silly Bands in the photo, along with a picturesque ocean setting??? You better have been signing this kid of for Pirate School or something, Dawn!!!! Probably down in fancy Newport, RI shopping for 30' schooners or something. You know how the hoity-toity live. *pushes nose up to denote snob face*

I wonder if Emma even knows why she was taking this photo? How did Dawn even explain this? "Okay, Emma, stand still with an angry face and pretend you are holding sacks of money to buy a new mansion because our old mansion isn't big enough any more. We are taking this for your cousin who you've never met so he can put it on the internet and make fun of it. No....don't cry, honey....STOP CRYING! They will throw us out of the yacht club!!!"

So thank you to Dawn and Emma, and Dawn's husband Larry or something or other...and to the two or three other kids they have. It's good to have close family *hugs*

He comes from the land of the ice and snow...

I made that Led Zepplin reference in the title because I just assumed that the victim, errr... person featured in this blarg entry would hate it. He hates everything and everyone. He hates getting caught in the rain and even pina coladas. He hates you. I'm pretty sure he hates The Grapefruits of Metal as well, and this is some sick way of mocking me.

And that's why I love him. Not in a "Hey, it all feels the same in the dark" kind of way, but in the you just can't help loving someone so misanthropic because it's so adorable way. I'm even hoping he hates this whole post. I'll feel like I made his life a little happier with something new to hate.

For the record, this is Derrik. He's a phenomenal guitar player (which he'll deny, and he could be right. What do I know? He could be terrible. I just know I'm super impressed when he is fooling around when he's bored and starts twiddling out the theme song to Sanford & Son or something), to which I've had the pleasure of being in two bands with, Motokops 2000, and currently Swarm of Eyes.

What? That plug wasn't subtle? Shutyourface, I can do anything I want here. Now go find the band on Facebook and like us because we are so friendly and likable.