Hey, look over here!! Your eyes don't deceive you!

Yup, I posted a new GoM photo. And to celebrate my release from priso-err, my return from a sabbatical in the Andes Mountains consulting Tibetan monks on the meaning of life (It's still 42 in case you were wondering) I've posted a photo with ACTUAL grapefruits!!

That's up to 25% of your daily allowance of vitamin C. You don't just learn here, you get healthy. Also, you can get in shape doing milk-jug curls and lots of push-ups out in the prison yard. That one was a freebie for you kids.

This is Jack. Who obviously has exquisite taste in clothing and bands. Jack is sporting part of the Fall collection from SWARM OF EYES. It's called Moth Skull, and it can be found for sale at http://swarmofeyes.com on the Merchandise page.

I have to point out that if you click on the picture and look at the larger version you can see a large pair of toe-nail clippers on the table. That's just gross. And who took this picture anyway? Did they not even bother to get their ass off the couch to take the photo? I don't have time to crop out your Glade candle and messy living room, people. Community service takes a LOT of time.

Thanks to Jack for making a brutal GoM face and for supporting my band, SWARM OF EYES. Now go buy a CD, kid.

Johnny Metro!!

I don't know what's going on here exactly, but I assume it involved waaaaay too much imbibing of spirits. Shocking.

This is my next door neighbor, Johnny Metro, and apparently he's doing some type of Cruella DeVille meets Cyrano De Bergerac thing here...I think? Probably the strangest photo ever submitted to me, but I will give the guy credit for making the effort.

Speaking of effort....would it kill him to rake his leaves? Or maybe put down some weed killer on his lawn? Perhaps even mow it once in a while? I understand that it's hard to keep up with my spectacular landscaping...but c'mon, it's like he just gave up. Is my lush green grass that intimidating???

You bet it is, muchacho!!!

Does it really get any better than this?

I think not. Seriously, click on the photo and get the larger version of it and stand in envy of how thoroughly brutal we are. I'll wait.

I've been saving this photo for some undetermined reason, like I was saving it for a special occasion and just wasn't ready to put it up yet. But I've come to realize that saving stuff for birthdays and special occasions is useless and doesn't actually make it any more special when it happens.

I think you know what I mean, ladies.

If it isn't obvious from the photo, this was taken after the last "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers" gig we did at the local VFW, and this is the whole band. A cappella is our game, and we are the best quintet in town, I tells ya.

Ok, ok, fine...this is my Ultimate Brutal Wedding Party. A crew of finer mugs has never had eyes laid upon it.

From left to right we start with my brother Larry, sporting the chin beard and VERY dramatic expression. He's also about seven feet tall. I don't really have a joke about that, he just takes after my mother's side of the family and they are all giants. I take after my dad, and we are all the same height, have the same spindly legs and arms with no definition and matching guts. Gee, thanks Dad!

Next down the line is my brother Bill, looking as smarmy as ever with that shit eating grin on his face. What a weird expression. Do people really smile like that after they eat shit? I assume that's something only Germans do anyway, and I've never seen a German smile, so this all seems suspect to me. Bill was my best man, and his one job was to make sure my tie was straight. The duties of a best man never end!

After me in the middle is one of my best friends, Casey. If you met him you'd swear he was a laid back surfer from SoCal that was always quick with a big smile and to share his stash. But he's actually from the hillbilly mountains in VT. And he grew up in a log cabin. Seriously. I've visited it. You just sit there WAITING for the banjo to start... And look at those bear paws he has in place of hands. Jesus, the guy is a beast, I love him!

Last in line on the far right is my best friend of 22 years, Dana. He's rocking the Transition Lenses in his glasses and looking as cool as ever. I'm sure I didn't need to point out that the last sentence was sarcasm, but hell, it can't hurt. I never said I had smart readers...just beautiful ones. Luckily what you CAN'T see in this photo is the blood all over his shirt collar. Someone forgot to shave when he was getting ready at my house and decided it would be a good idea to do it right before the wedding started. With a crappy old disposable razor. With his suit on. It looked like a crime scene when he was done. I swear he does this stuff to me on purpose, but I still love the big lug.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of guys to lead me to the guillotine. I meant alter.

They call him Roach.

I call him Chewbacca. Some call him a legend in local music. Those people have all been rounded up and put in detox.

And yes, he's not actually throwing the grapefruits, but I am, and it's so brutal that I make up for the fact that people can't FUCKING FOLLOW DIRECTIONS when you are taking a photo.

Roach and I go way back, as he used to play bass in two local bands, Vertical Smile and Austen's Dead. They played a lot of shows with my old band, "Captain Awesome and the Lime Squeezers", back in the day. All long gone now, but out of his two bands arose a new band....a phoenix from the ashes, if you will. They were called, Ratchaburi!!!

Yeah, stupid name, I know, but they were actually pretty good. They were full of potential and promise, only they crashed like a fiery phoenix, plummeting to earth in a massive, horrible explosion. (note: read that thinking that I'm talking in the voice of the guy from VH1: Behind the Music). And Roach wasn't actually IN that band, so that is a bit anti-climactic, I know.

In this photo with the very handsome and stoned Roach, we were attending a reunion show for Ratchaburi, and at the end of the night they invited him on stage to bang out a couple of classics from the old days. God knows they were so rusty and full of suck that they needed ANYTHING to distract the audience. I'm just kidding, no one in the audience was paying attention.

Hey look! A VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Derrik - America's favorite misanthrope.

Once again we visit the strange and cynical world of my friend and guitarist, Derrik. We've known each other through a mutual friend for 12 years, and he was in my last band and is in my current band.

And I STILL have no idea where he was when he took these. On a vacation? At a militia camp? A spiritual retreat? I don't have a clue. The kid is practically a mute. And I'm pretty sure he's making fun of me by sending me these. Some kind of inside joke that only he gets and snickers to himself when he thinks he's so damn clever.

Well buddy, I'll fix your wagon!!!!

No seriously, if your wagon is broken call me and we'll set up an appointment and I can look at it and give you an estimate. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a good wagon wheel repair shop these days.

Anyway, he found some Injun statue doing the GoM. That's pretty cool. I guess we owed them savages something after all that murdering and pillaging we did. Well, not ME, but other white people. I swear officer, I was just waiting in the car. I didn't even know what the settlers were going to do.

Pretty sweet deal getting a statue and some professional sports teams named after you for reparation. Plus it seems quite hip these day to be part Injun. I swear when the subject of ethnicity comes up it NEVER FAILS that one jerk has to make the comment that they are part Injun, like they are bragging. "I just happen to be 1/100th Cherokee you know." Yeah, and you're also 99/100ths total moron. If the natives got a nickel every time some douche bag made a remark like that they would never, ever run out of fire water again.




And this is a bonus photo of Derrik in the deep wilderness. He certainly looks like he's ready for a hike. Earthy-crunchy boots. Check. Drab clothing to blend into the brush so the search party never finds your body. Check. Backpack for water, sandwiches and existential books about God being an illusion and how humanity is so self-destructive. CHECK.

I always love surprises...

...and this photo coming to my inbox was a wonderful surprise from my cousin Nini. She's a beautiful free spirit who's always off at some Native American (See, I didn't say "Indian", I know the difference between the natives and the guys who eat stinky food and worship cows because I have five thousand of them in the IT dept at work) spiritual journey or rain dance....though I think she just likes hot Natives in loincloths.

She's surrounded here in this photo by her boyfriend, mother and sister whilst on vacation in Maine. I'm not sure they were allowed to stay long though, because I THINK they have all their teeth and don't have sex with each other...and I think that's a requirement up there in "Vacation Land", right?

She's also promised me many more GoM pics in the future! Hopefully they are with her and both her hot sisters. I need more hits here, man. Maybe some beach shots or something? Bubble bath? Get creative girls!!

And NO, that's not weird like those hillbillies in Maine, they are my step-cousins, and that's completely normal. Right?


RIGHT???

Please welcome our first official rock star...

Okay....maybe "rock star" is pushing it. Playing Indian casinos in Pala, CA and Tuscon, AZ to the backs of a crowd of blue-hairs dumping their Social Security checks into the nickel slots while they smoke Virginia Slims next to their oxygen tanks isn't exactly making it big...but who am I to judge?

Oh right, a famous internet celebrity, that's who!! WIN!

The Peep Show monger shown above is Matt. He's the drummer in The Gary Hoey Band. Yeah, I never heard of them either, so don't feel bad about it. I guess Gary is some guitar virtuoso that literally DOZENS of people have heard of apparently. Feel free to check out some of his top hits like....uhh, that song, you know the one...with the guitars and stuff. Anyway, head to Myspace, or as I call the site, "The Sinking Ship", to hear some sweet licks. I'm sure Matt's drums are right up front in the mixes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHA!!!

By the way, what's with the porn store? Do people still buy magazines and DVDs and go see peep shows?? Where was this taken, the backwoods of Alabama where the internet hasn't reached yet??

And I want to say thanks for the really crappy cell phone pic, guys. Would it kill you to spend a little of that beer money on an actual, you know, camera? The good news is that I hunted up another photo of Mr. Hunky-Rockstar for you guys. If only to show you that he looks just like the heavy metal version of Bill Pullman:



Right? AMIRIGHT? That's TOTALLY Bill Pullman!!! Hey Lone Starr, watch out for Dark Helmet!! He's behind your drum riser!

That spray painted wall is also awesome...were they playing in my nephew's treehouse? Sounds like the tour is going great guys! Hope to check you out at Applebee's in a week or two!